


Melancholy

by CynicalMistrust



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 18:24:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20878685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynicalMistrust/pseuds/CynicalMistrust
Summary: He wasn't prepared for the way the helpless wanting was starting to turn sour at the back of his mouth.He wasn't prepared for themelancholythat quietly waited for him when he crawled into his cold bed alone every night. The way it wrapped around him like a lover. The way it lingered after he showered in the morning and ate breakfast.





	Melancholy

**Author's Note:**

> So I started this after watching the anime and got like 90% done before binge reading the manga... Surprisingly it was similar to canon but I'm posting anyway cause I haven't posted anything in awhile, so enjoy

Melancholy was not a word Haruki liked. The feeling itself was even worse. But lately, it was becoming a familiar sensation. 

He'd known his infatuation with Akihiko couldn't last forever, but he'd hoped it would fade because he found someone to occupy his time with. He wasn't prepared for the way the helpless wanting was starting to turn sour at the back of his mouth. 

He wasn't prepared for the _ melancholy  _ that quietly waited for him when he crawled into his cold bed alone every night. The way it wrapped around him like a lover. The way it lingered after he showered in the morning and ate breakfast. 

The rains didn't help. They only let that desperate sense of falling burrow deeper until it made his bones ache. 

The studio had been a place of escape for him. Before,when it'd been just the three of them. Three single guys bonding over their passion for music. Now… 

Now it was four. And they were better for it, but it was hard to miss the way Uenoyama and Mafuyu practically gravitated into each other. It'd been hard to miss even in the beginning, but now that they were officially dating… 

Now it was so much harder to ignore the  _ want  _ clawing inside him every time Akihiko so much as looked at him. 

He needed a girlfriend. Or maybe he just needed to get laid, but he'd never been the type for a one night stand. 

"I'm starving, where are we eating?" Uenoyama asked as they wrapped up for the evening. 

Haruki hid his grimace at the thought of watching the two of them any longer. He was happy for them, really, they were both good kids and deserved some happiness. He just needed a break from it. 

And to bash his head into something to get out of this funk. 

He straightened as he finished packing up, offering a quick grin. "Sorry, I'm not feeling well, I'm gonna head home." He flashed the peace sign and headed out before they could ask questions. Or Akihiko accosted him. 

The fact he made it home without even a text was both a relief and a disappointment. He knew he'd been quiet at practice, but maybe he'd faked it well enough they hadn't really noticed. 

He shrugged off his jacket with a sigh and collapsed onto his sofa. 

He was the worst. 

He hated feeling like this. Hated the simultaneous urges to lash out and hide in a hole. He needed to get his shit together. He was the oldest. If he couldn't be a decent example and role model, what good was he? 

He rolled onto his side with a groan and scrubbed his palms over his face. 

_ Get it together.  _

He shoved his hair out of his face and paused, curling the strands around his fingers. Maybe he should cut it. He'd been meaning to. It wasn't like he'd ever meant for it to get this long. What was he even hoping for? 

He snorted softly and closed his eyes. That was easy. He was waiting for a fucking miracle. Holding out hope for something that would never happen, but that he couldn't give up. 

  
  


His phone buzzed, startling him awake. He groaned and dug it out of his pocket, squinting against the bright screen as he read the text from Akihiko. 

** _Can I stay at your place? _ **

Haruki squeezed his eyes shut. The short nap had done nothing to improve his mood and Akihiko was the last person he wanted to see right then. He almost ignored the text. He'd been asleep, he could just text back in the morning that he hadn't seen it. 

But the thought of something happening to Akihiko because he tried to get home while drunk was too much. He sighed and texted back. 

** _Sure_ **

He pushed himself up and stared at the floor. He should pick up the clothes and magazines, but it was far too much effort. Maybe if Akihiko saw his home in its natural state, he'd finally put Haruki out of his misery. 

A knock came a few minutes later, far quicker than he'd expected. 

He stood with a frown, wondering if Akihiko had planned on showing up whether he texted back or not. The jerk. 

He paused at the door and slapped both hands against his cheeks a couple times, trying for his usual grin and settling for a smirk instead. He tugged the door open and stepped back. "Getting drunk alone with a couple of teenagers, really?" he asked, pausing when Akihiko didn't look drunk. He didn't even look tipsy. 

Akihiko looked frighteningly sober, which was bad. This little unspoken agreement they'd fallen into only worked if Akihiko was drunk. 

He couldn't deal with a sober Akihiko in his home. He glanced past Akihiko, hoping to see Uenoyama or Mafuyu. Maybe it was just an intervention. But no. He wasn't so lucky. 

He closed the door behind Akihiko and took a steadying breath. "Something happen?" he asked. "Want some coffee?" He didn't wait for an answer before moving for the kitchen. He needed a drink, but he sure as hell couldn't trust himself drunk around a sober Akihiko. 

"I should be asking you that," Akihiko replied, following and leaning against the counter. 

Haruki busied himself with making coffee, aware of green eyes boring into him and doing his best to ignore the feeling. "What do you mean? I'm fine." 

Akihiko hummed. "You've been distracted. Your music was off today." 

He stifled a sigh as he waited for the water to heat up. It wasn't like he could dispute that. If he didn't get over this feeling eating him up from the inside, he'd only be a hindrance to them. "I'm fine," he said quietly. He'd be fine. Sooner or later. "You don't need to worry about me." 

Akihiko shifted closer, brushing back Haruki's hair where it'd fallen out of its braid. "Your hair's a mess. Were you sleeping?" 

Haruki shivered and resisted the urge to lean into Akihiko's fingers. "Dozing." 

"Let me fix it." 

He swallowed hard and forced his fingers to relax where they'd gripped the edge of the counter. "Sure." 

Akihiko stepped behind him, his fingers slowly working Haruki's hair free of its braid. 

He closed his eyes, enjoying the shivers as Akihiko worked the few tangles free and then proceeded to simply stroke his hair. It felt good. Intimate. And it eased the melancholic ache in his chest even as it formed a new one that was a hundred times worse. Full of _ want _ and _ desire _ and _ hope _ . 

The pot whistled and he poured a cup of coffee without pulling away. "Coffee?" he offered, holding up the cup. 

"No, thanks." 

Haruki remained where he was, wrapping his hands around the hot mug and doing well not to lean back into Akihiko's chest. It'd be easy. Too easy to just slump back into his warmth and hope Akihiko wrapped his strong arms around him. 

"Why do you like playing with people's hair so much anyway?" he asked, staring at his coffee like it could give him the answers he needed. 

"I don't know." Akihiko slowed his fingers, giving a light tug on Haruki's hair. "Do you want me to stop?" 

"No... I'm just wondering if I should cut it." 

"Why would you want to do that?" Akihiko sounded almost offended. 

He couldn't help the faint smile at that, brief as it was. He shrugged a shoulder and took a sip of his coffee. "It's starting to be a nuisance." It wasn't like many women would be interested in a guy with hair longer than theirs. Guys might be, but the men he'd actually been interested in were few and far between. 

He hadn't had eyes for anyone but Akihiko in years. 

Akihiko picked up the tie, finally securing Haruki's hair in a loose braid. 

Haruki sighed and settled his nerves before turning to face Akihiko. "Tha-" he started, eyes widening at how close Akihiko was. His heart slammed into his chest and his face turned hot as Akihiko leaned even closer. "What're yo-mmmf!" 

Akihiko… was kissing him..?! 

He planted a hand on Akihiko's chest and shoving, but the strength seemed to have melted out of his body. He'd fantasized about Akihiko kissing him a million times, but not like this. Maybe he was stupid for thinking Akihiko would actually be a gentle lover. There was certainly nothing gentle about Akihiko's piercing digging into his lip, or the tongue forcing its way past his lips. 

Distantly, he heard his mug hit the floor and shatter, but suddenly Akihiko simply wasn't there anymore. 

Haruki sagged against the counter, gripping it with both hands as he struggled to breathe. "What the hell?" he gasped. 

Akihiko stared at the floor, the side of his hand pressed against his lips with a pained look in his eyes. 

"What the _ fuck?"  _ he snapped, his brain finally kickstarting itself. 

Akihiko flinched, looking up as if surprised to see him there. "Sorry," he said, his voice raspy. 

Haruki stared, anger and disbelief warring with concern. "Akihiko… talk to me." 

Akihiko scoffed, looking away. "It won't change anything." 

Haruki gripped the counter tighter, shoving down the flash of hurt behind his ribs. So much for them being the ones good at communicating. 

When the silence dragged and stretched between them, he took a shuddering breath. "You should go." 

Akihiko froze before nodding. He backed away like a kicked puppy and headed for the door without another word. 

Haruki squeezed his eyes shut, sliding down to the floor as the last of his strength gave out. 

_ What the fuck what thefuckwhatthe _ fuck? 

He pulled his phone out with trembling fingers, finding Hanaoka in his contacts and sending a message. 

** _Can you do me a favor… and cut my hair? _ **

He couldn't stand the weight or feel of it anymore. It'd been a stupid infatuation anyway. It wasn't like it could ever go anywhere. One couple in the band was bad enough. Two would be a disaster waiting to happen. 

His phone buzzed a minute later. 

** _Whaaaat? No way! Why??? _ **

Haruki sighed and set his phone aside. He'd known it would be a longshot. He'd find someone else or do it himself. 

His fingers itched for a cigarette, but his body was too heavy to bother trying to get up. He pressed his fingers to his lips instead. He could still feel the phantom pressure of Akihiko's piercing against his mouth. 

His phone buzzed again, startling him. 

** _If you're serious… I can go in early tomorrow. Be at the salon at 9_ **

Haruki slumped back in relief with a soft, humorless laugh. He didn't want to wait that long, but the thought of touching his own hair, when Akihiko had been the last to touch it, was too much. 

** _Thanks. _ **

He dragged himself to bed and resigned himself to a sleepless night. 


End file.
